Dad

It was evening, Dad was having me help him diagnose something wrong with his car. Most of that is a blur now. I was sitting in the driver seat, reaching down and fiddling with something around the center console. Then i remembered the brake issue, so I put the car in gear, let it roll the the parking lot a ways, then tested the brakes, which were bad. Dad listened to me babble on about any idea I could come up with that might have been wrong, taking each seriously but not adding any of his own thoughts. There were a couple of children in the parking lot, I made sure to drive extra carefully, acutely aware of Dad in the car with me. I pulled the car to a stop.

“Well, I am not sure, Dad.” I put the car in park.  We get out.

“Yeah, I am at a loss. I might try pulling the codes.” Dad responds, standing in front of the car, his shoulder at my eye level. His hair is a tad on the long side, wavy, streaked steel grey.

“Oh, I have a code reader!” I begin to feel excited that I might have something that can help. Dad looks interested. “I even have two of them, I can go get them!”

Dad thinks for a moment, “No, tomorrow maybe. I am going to pay for this as it is” He rolls his shoulder, seeming to be referring to some physical activity done earlier. “I need to be heading up the hill”

We are standing outside the house, in afternoon light, under the awning, the slightly rusted white scrollwork support to my left, Dad standing a step down off the cement in the grass.

“Ok Dad” I get ready for my goodbyes, I will see him tomorrow. The light falls across his face, and I thinkoh, he hasn’t seen me like this!And I start to feel excited. I know he will be proud, he was always so proud of my athleticism, and so hated my weight gain. I started to mention my fitness...and realized, though he was standing here in front of me, feeling so real, that he was gone. I am dreaming. And with that realization my dream starts to slip. It felt so real, I grasp on to it, and hold on to it as hard as I can.

“Look Dad, my arms are doing really well” I hold out my right arm for him to inspect, he glances at it a bit distractedly. “Yep…” 

I flex my arm slightly, leaning my shoulder in to better showcase the definition. This grabs his attention.  “Damn, it starts all the way up here…” He cups my shoulder with his large hand, testing the muscle, then grips my arm lower on the bicep, testing the hardness there. “Nice” He steps back, ready to go. I am not ready to let him go.

”I love you, Dad”

I step down off the concrete and wrap my arms around him, the dream fading more, and I am holding onto it desperately. He is wearing a white T-shirt, I press my cheek to his chest, his arms wrap around me. He rests his chin on my head, and I hear his deep voice rumble in his chest: “Love you too…” And the dream is gone. And I am awake, in the dark. And I feel his loss so acutely.

No hon, everything is fine. It was just a dream...I am ok...I just need to go write something down...